Batter Up

06/2004

Please understand that this column is not published in real time. I gather material from my dates. Sometimes a date produces months of material. Sometimes a date yields nothing of interest to me or anyone else. So one date for me, could equal five or more months for you. I write this because I get letters from people who perceive me as nothing more than a flighty female who dates happily and never has a broken heart.

Wrong.

If it makes anyone feel any better, I know all about broken hearts and then some. I know about shattered dreams and crawling around in the dark to pick up the pieces. It’s just not fun to write about. I’m already depressed. I mean, I might as well become a war correspondent and move to Iraq and I think even the most casual reader can see that gg and the Iraqi situation simply do not go hand in hand. It could be downright dangerous.

So let’s talk happiness. BoatMan called.

BoatMan and I were introduced by CityGirl who is a matchmaker with a batting average that would turn Barry Bonds green. The only problem with BoatMan is the boat.

I’m prone to motion sickness and prefer to date men who have substantial chauffeur experience. It’s a terrible affliction because I’m generally madly attracted to men who own boats and drive like maniacs. But taking the boat out of BoatMan would ruin both of us.

So for the sake of the relationship, I’ve agreed to get onboard twice a month, which meant last night was boat night.

The moon was full, the water was calm, the wine was chilled, the berries were plump, and the barf bag was onboard. Perfect.

BoatMan selected the music and he created the desired effect. I felt like I was on a movie set.

A slight wind came up from the west. “Slight” was BoatMan’s word. “Category five” would have been my description. We moved from The Loveboat to The Poiseiden Adventure without warning. The wine spilled; the berries splattered; the moon vanished. I felt a surge of panic come over me just as a wave of water drenched me from head to toe. For a moment, I hated CityGirl. BoatMan protected me from further damage and carried me to the car.

Fortunately, his road driving is smooth as silk, just like his goodnight kiss. I’m still onboard.