Marry Me

03/2005

The Ultimatum. I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why women try this. The “marry me or lose me” tactic is particularly disturbing because the “ideal” outcome is that the woman ends up at the altar face to face with a man who never wanted to be there. And worse, she’s happy about it.

I have a friend, MarryMe, who is dating a great guy,
NotInAMillionYears. The only problem in their paradise is she would like to be married. She never brings up the subject because the one time she did, the guy’s eyes dilated, his neck stiffened, he had trouble breathing and a trip to the hospital was in order. Right then and there, in the ER, being the loving woman she is, she swore never to mention
marriage again.

Why a man would want to be a confirmed bachelor is beyond me. The way some men wear it like a badge of honor is even worse. Given the choice between spending a lifetime loving the same woman and being loved in return, or spending a
lifetime telling and retelling the same stories to woman after woman…well, I pity the poor soul who makes the latter choice.

In any case, MarryMe opted to issue the Ultimatum, against my advice and her own dignity. They got married three months later, just after he was released from Sarasota Memorial, having been treated for chronic chest pains. I felt ill at the wedding. There she was, my beautiful friend, marrying NotInAMillionYears – and beaming about it. Then I studied the groom. To my astonishment, he had a healthy glow. So he loves her, I silently confessed.

I still don’t believe in the Ultimatum and I will always wish my friend had walked down the aisle without one; she deserved it. But MarryMe got her man – and he’s got a new name: LovedHerAllAlongCan’tLiveWithoutHer. I never
would have guessed.

Not in a million years.