Dan

03/2003

Dan Rather interviewed George Clooney a while back. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. Dan Rather, that is. This may seem odd, but I was magnetically attracted to the man. That sharp, sporty haircut really does something for me. As I was admiring Mr. Rather, George kept gabbing, getting in the way, as if he was the star of the story. As if his latest picture was the most important subject at hand.

Sure, it was nice sauntering around George’s personal residence, but there’s something about watching a journalist at work that really turns me on, and when Mr. Rather exposed George’s pet pig, well it was enough for me to have my “gg loves George” tattoo removed from my backside.

A man with a pig doesn’t want a woman. It’s like having a big fat neon sign blinking incessantly, “Farm Animals Welcome. Women Optional.” As far as I’m concerned George has given fair warning. Any woman who dates a man with a pig is asking for trouble.

But anyone who knows me knows I have a thing for George Clooney, or at least I used to, so eventually I managed to take my eyes off Dan and focus on George like a good single girl. I focused so steadfastly I induced a trance state during which I had a dream that went like this: George and I went out on a date. We fell in love and after a few months he asked me if I knew what I wanted from the relationship as if my desire was the only thing that mattered.“I want a summer holiday together and a winter holiday together. I want to have daily contact in some form, be it by email, phone, letter, or by hand. I want to grow old together knowing you were my biggest fan and I was yours. I want a housekeeper. I want to put together a string of years that make love look like it should – glorious and radiant. Oh, and I want you to get rid of that pig.”

Waking up without a ring on my finger was a bit of a downer. On the other hand, there wasn’t a pig in sight! It took me a few weeks, but I got over it. I always do, because in spite of the fact I may fantasize once in a while about a man I don’t know, I love dating the man I do.

In fact, I’ll let you in on a little something. My belly was peppered with kisses last week. If you have any questions about belly peppering, rent Beautiful Girls and enjoy. Also, the local florist can find my house in his sleep so if you see some giggling girl around town, it may be me.

Yes, my man knows all about George. I’m just not sure how to tell him about Dan.